Relationships and Trauma: Choice
The partnership I am choosing is not easy.
The long term of school I am choosing is not easy.
The life I am choosing to partner with is not easy.
These choices I am privilege to step into take levels of commitment I have not known besides he commitment that I made to those 18 little girls inside of me the very moment I decided to escape to rehab. However, instead of these commitments being birthed in survival, they are consciously reformed and reworked each day to be chosen through my own evolving and autonomous definition of freedom.
It's complex; the journey of healing It looks different, feels different, is experienced different for each individual privileged to behold their own. But, whilst we live in a world without trauma education, we continue to see the shame and blame and perpetuating of the abusive cycles because of lack of understanding. In so many cases, again with privilege, the world likes to attempt to help by extending resources that aren't compatible with the victim/survivor/healing because they don't understand the truth need; nor the true residual impact. Leaving humans of all forms with residual impacts of trauma to fend for themselves until/if they are able to develop the weird privilege of deep intuitive empowerment through trauma healing.
Intuitive empowerment separates us from being able to authentically re-enter/enter for the first time society in a normalised manner. We are learning to recognise how we need, what we need, and why we need in ways many never are demanded to through the act of self belief. Of listening and tuning into the body, mind, and soul in manners that have to remain consistent in order for all parts experiencing the valid residual impact of any traumatic personal experience to feel safe. Example: I was told just today that self advocacy can feel embarrassing when we're experiencing mental health fluctuations, but it's so important. I smiled at the advisor at the uni and said "With my complex history, I don't have the privilege to not do that. In order to remain upright, I have had to learn how to self advocate, and thus become self aware, due to the demands of the residual impacts of my abuse. It's a weird privilege I hold with tender care."
These new incredible privileges I am experiencing take effort as a complex abuse survivor and look dramatically different than any learnt development that I see happening around me through observing others. The people and institutes I am partnering with are not demanded to operate as I do, and that is okay. Each of us are valid and valued in our approaches, but learning to not shame my own has been a lengthly process. Developing manners of operation that don't deny my survival to still exist and be heard, but also allowing me experience more than just the survival is fucking hard work. (And my greatest privilege) For my intuitive empowerment can truly only remain consistent in states of safety, and so many do not have that. So. Many.
Overlapping, unfurling, and untangling myself and the multiplex of roots embedded within my survival has taken my body into illness right now. I'm less able than I have been in years, and that alone is teaching me so much. Inviting me, asking me, and naturally demanding me to shift in the (personally deemed) unhealthy hyper independence that I previously developed with empowerment before now. Modifying my relationship with myself as I invite in all forms of partnerships to meet me instead of receive from me. The conversations, confusion, grief, residual impacts, and survival screaming until I meet them, kneel down beside them, and listen. Daily, hourly, sometimes constantly.
I have to meet myself, all parts of my selves, here in the soil in order to refine my commitments to these things I am privileged to partner with. Long term being something I never knew I could receive, because the level of safety, resources, and work it takes felt unattainable until now.
That's okay. This is okay. It is okay if it feels unattainable to you now too. Wherever you are...you are valid and valued.
And it is worth it. Whatever you're seeking, confusedly and with grief. I believe it. I believe you.