Holding Wounds in Shaking Hands
The thing about life after trauma is that it is a constant, disciplined, resourced driven act to hold our wounds and new life in our shaking hands.
Modifying instinctual responses to “normal” life, that in itself is traumatic regardless of your history of abuse. And acknowledging that even if we have the immense privilege to not always survive, our mind, body, and soul will more often than not instantly respond from survival.
Currently, I am making the healthiest, most proactive, and gentle decisions for myself. However, also deeply entrenched in a trauma body that wants to die rather than face abuse again. Which it believes it will.
I can’t change that. I can’t make it go away. I can’t deny it or numb it. Because my body will naturally operate from what it knows, even if I choose to not be/didn’t have the privilege to be present to it.
I used to make decisions from an intense reliance on output. Doing everything I could to assure my trauma body that it would be safer if only I burnt out doing all I could to control the outcome.
Eventually, I learned that it wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t have another resource. Thus, the cycle continued.
Making decisions from survival that ended just as quickly as I worked to make them reality exasperated my wounds of never feeling safe. Having to constantly prepare for a lack of safety, that both my present body and trauma body felt would come.
It has taken years and many of these cycles, to meet myself in a gentler way like I am attempting to now.
Im learning, accepting, being immensely challenged, in agony, and also very fucking grateful for my privileged ability to hold myself. Not always with health, but genuinely with awareness and strength.
My trauma body is winning in many aspects, that are scary and frankly dangerous. My awareness of it doesn’t change that. My ability to articulate it doesn’t dismiss the attention I have to extend to it. And no matter what I do, my trauma is real.
Bringing awareness and education to this alone is a vital part of my work. Working alongside service providers, wellness advocates, organizations, and professionals to discuss the long term impacts of childhood abuse. Doing the research, attending to diverse voices and stories, and not centring whiteness is of the utmost importance.
My Patreon is filled with resources for health care providers, to advocates alike. Ive created powerful workshops, speeches, and I’ve finally found a way to write the book. Curating a practice of informing, inviting conversation, and speaking on the prolific and complex adversities of sex trafficking and childhood sexual abuse, as a intersectional and diverse topic.
I believe where you’re at. The resources you lack. The support you need. The yearning to help those you love or the field you’re passionate about. Have questions, need help, know places that could use a resource like me? My inboxes are open, and this work will not end.
You are valid.