Trauma is both devastating and euphoric. Trauma demands to take precedence over everything. We need to be hurt the way we know and have come to know because there is security in that. That's why it's easier to exist within abuse than to exist removed from it. That’s why we walk out patterns and cycles of our trauma and relive the emotional and individual impacts of it for years after it ends. For when separated from the construct of its insidious consistency, we feel what we couldn't whilst surviving. We feel our hurt, our rage, our injustice, our panic, our grief, our nervousness, our victimhood, our confusion, our agony, our sensitivity, our anxiety, our depression, our fear, our humanness. Creating an unhealthy form of dependency within our relationship to the abuse and abuser, as well as an unhealthy form of dependency in our attachment and comfort to our emotional state within the trauma itself.
As sensitive humans, we can become trapped within our triggers and within the woundedness we validly carry within us. We shame ourselves for it because without the resources and education we don’t know how to navigate it. (Even with the resources and education it isn’t a walk in the park.) Thus, we often cannot shift our cycles without consistently, season after season, relearning through hardship. I entered into, I enter into, so many patterns based on my trauma and trauma responses. It is a delicate and fragile process to learn how to both hold healthy accountability and heal, and not be stunted by the damage of taking full blame. It’s easier for me to take 100% of the responsibility. I am an expert at carrying the burden for everyone. However, all that does is contribute to the continuation of the patterns themselves. I have to hold compassion to the pieces of me who line up to hold the full blame and remove any responsibility of the “other,” whilst also guiding myself into new-truth and new-healing. I am no expert, but I am privileged to do this; reframe this narrative and reclaim my life.
Our emotions demand of us, gnaw at us, and more than likely reveal themselves to us in messy and uncomfortable ways. We come to fear ourselves and our reactions, so we attempt to forget them. That is until we simply cannot deny them anymore and the storm of emotions thrashes within our bodies. At that point, a plant could trigger us as much as an identical image of our trauma could. Thus, we innately and naturally lean into and gravitate towards environments, relationships, circumstances that allow the emotions of our past to be loud. For if the circumstances match the emotions of our past, the emotions raging in us, then we can still somehow deny where they actually came from. Why they are loud, why they’re screaming, why they will not leave until we feel them fully. It’s much easier to be overwrought with the uncontrollable and undeniable reality of our residual impacts if a circumstance mirrors it, even if we have to formulate that experience ourselves.
In the aftermath, especially if the circumstance is safe, the result makes us feel crazy. Makes us feel wrong. Like the monster or the victim. It’s easier to agree with, believe, the emotions of a present tense circumstance than to sit with wounds that may not make logical sense but feel/are deeply real in us. If we have unclear origins of our emotional experience, our logical mind wants to make sense of it. Feeling just to feel is a practiced art, and requires dedicated space. We do not need to recreate our hurt in order to feel our wounds, but that takes time to learn and resource and a lot of fucks up to trust. I can be wounded simply because I am, not because a circumstance requires me to be.
Our traumas often become a sadistic friend, a partner, a lover, a family, our anchor. A way of life that comforts, because we understand it, even if we can't even admit it's hurting us. We know how it works, the ways it operates, and how to situate ourselves inside the realm where it exists. A realm that sticks to us like tar, and truthfully never washes clean. But there is another way. There is another option. It just requires feeling, and feeling our trauma requires education and resource. I want to do what I can to make sure the latter is available to all.
You and your wounds are real to me.
I believe you.
I trust you in your healing.
I trust you when you don’t know how.
I trust you when you feel done.
You’re welcome here.
*thanks Casey Bee for inspiring me with the old post. <3