Unpacking Trauma Series: The Lawlessness of Healing

Today marks the beginning of the new year, it’s 2019, but trauma doesn’t know that. Trauma healing doesn’t act in accordance with the colloquialism that “Time heals” because it isn’t linear. It’s lawless, unbound, and wild.

Lately, I have been entrenched in a new layer of my trauma that has left little else for my mind, body, and soul to play with in regards to energy (or spoons, for autoimmune fellows). Life holds natural demands that are already seemingly restless. However, with my personal need for extensive healing that pulls me in opposing directions of more freedom and deeper agony daily, I have barely been able to tread water with my declining health.

The only way I have come to exist as I do, share as I do, and pursue education as I do is because of the privilege I have held/do hold to place my healing first. To not allow anything, anyone, or any demand to come before the requirement of it has remained consistent. Even in the assimilation to the normalcy of simply existing I have founded ways to supplement and extract the necessary energy to continue trudging forward. Mainly because I can’t set my healing down, I can only negotiate new means to live in partnership with it.

For many, this unfair negotiation has come with ostracization and shame. Their only option to partner with the demand of their personal residual impacts lies within survivalism, and more often than not within the continuation of abusive patterns. The reality being a full-fledge suffocation of victimhood. Regardless of abuse ending, the demand to endure it exists at the onset and never ever goes away. We either hold the privilege to deal with that in culturally acceptable manners, or we don’t. Even in socially approved healing, nobody truly wants to hear that it doesn’t end. Humans are defenseless against the the impacts of grief and suffering, but we always find ways to somehow feel in control of it.

Trauma is trauma is trauma. However, the impacts and consequences are what make the narrative complex to the point of mystifying. We all hold a valid craving to feel in control. So, often we would rather plead the fifth than accept the reality of something painful because we don’t live in a world that makes space for grief. Thus, we choose to deny that something exists if the very existence of it isn’t definable. And, for something as intimately chaotic and heavy as healing is, those living with the demand of it are left to their own defenses. Proving not only that yes, even still, after all this time the impacts exists, but that it’s not our fault they do.

Whatever you face. Whatever your demands. However you can endure. Regardless of time. You are believed.

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